inconsequentialthoughts

it's not important. but this stuff matters

Month: January, 2013

playingitstraight

the below post describes my now boyfriend and was written during my first-first year at university. I quite enjoyed it. 

flat mate ‘kitchenfloor’ (he doesn’t have a room in this flat, but seems to feel entitled to both fridge and cupboard space….)

playingitstraight, is, basically well, playing it straight. regardless of sexuality he is most definitely the campest person I have ever met in my entire life. Despite being heterosexual (… well I know that now!) it took a good four months for us all to realise this. His shower routine is at least twice as long as mine and with that many Lush products we could open our own shop.

playingitstraight will have anyone think hes straight, as long as he’s allowed to stare at passers by of the male variety. Intriguing. he also attends yoga – where it is claimed he ‘grabs tit’ (a phrase orginally used by yours truly AND I DONT EVEN FANCY GIRLS) and follows the session with a delicious hot chocolate mixed with some fine malibu… exceedingly masculine.

In an attempt to fool us further, Playingitstraight copies those who play a fatherly role in his life – current favourite is bilingualchap who is being matched outfit for outfit. how cute.

1) ‘i’m just so comfortable in my sexuality i’ll let them think i’m gay!’

2) ‘i’m not gay’

3) ‘i’m actually not gay, its just everyone else ever seems to think i am’

4) ‘look, i may walk and dress gay but that doesn’t make me gay.’

5) ‘i’m straight’ (pauses for laughter), ‘no really – I am!’

6) ‘i don’t have to prove i’m straight, i quite clearly am’

7) ‘that’s the third time this week a man has come onto me in the toilets’

8) ‘do i look gay?’

9) ‘malibu and coke isn’t a womans drink, is it?’

10) ‘its not gay to have a skincare routine.’

11) ‘i think i’ll just get a boyfriend to make you all happy’

12) ‘i accidentally went to a gay bar the other day. was amazing. can we go for my birthday?!’

just to reiterate. he’s not.

x

[I just want to point out that any views in this post are not expressing any form of homophobia. I love all people all the time]

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bloody northerner

flat mate room 6. lovely girl, when we can understand her accent. She’s become quite nerdy this year, taking to residing in the library and carrying a textbook instead of a handbag. and quite frankly not much of the below is that true, this girl is nice and quiet.

in three sentences. she’s from up north. shes loud. and she’s actually shorter than me.

i will never forget how, in freshers week, it became apparent that as bloodynorther drinks, her vocal volume increases proportionately to amount consumed. no, thats a lie, one sip of the stuff and shes screaming her damn head off. but you know what, of anyone, it is her i would happily sit and listen to, because bloodynortherners social skills are extremely well developed for someone of the northern capacity (and isn’t that lucky or i would have killed her by now).

she used to work in a pet shop (a commendable profession) and don’t we know it. at every opportunity she will bring up gold fish, or pond maintainence or anything even vaguely related to the pet shop world. ‘you see that woman there? she reminds me of this rabbit we once sold. speaking of rabbits, did you know ….’ and so on. delightful. i’ll be buying her fish food for christmas next year. the excitement.

bloodynortherner doesn’t actually do a degree. sometimes she’ll turn up to some social engagements with a ‘topic’ revolving around economics. and if you’re lucky, she’ll bring the work home. i once, now i mean once, saw her doing maths at the table. but then again it may have just been a sudoku. we shall never know.  surprisingly, given the geographical location of our university, bloodynortherner is the sole represntative of the north in our flat (though, sogaysostraight will adamantly state he was born nearby. yeah. whatever), so sometimes its hard to tell if her behaviour is out of the ordinary for her lot. the ‘minority’.

for someone as wonderful as herself, its such as shame she too has a speech impediment. not in any way similar to bilingual chaps, she struggles with whole words, not just a set of letters. must  be something in the water. i’ve been religiously drinking bottled to avoid gaining a similar affliction. i don’t think i’ve ever met anyone as forgetful as bloodynortherner – she’s always misplacing her blackberry. thank god investmentbanker is there to find it for her. she’s be lost without him.

she’s also furiously immature. any slight reference to anything vaguely cheeky and she’ll be laughing for all of 38 seconds. hilair. its just one continual struggle to have a proper conversation over a cup of tea. except, she drinks warm ribena instead, and by the bucket, so i don’t know what we were expecting.

my god this is one of the most scathing posts i think ever. i actually love bloodynortherner and i’m quite glad shes one of my flat mates (now housemate). i think i just got carried away… 

ps. we’ve converted her onto the hot drink of the tea variety. she done good.

I’m too tired to party

I’m sitting here with a cup of tea and half an apple deciding whether or not I really want to get dressed into real clothes. Today, my dad, sister and I will be travelling the 2-hundred-and-eighty-something miles to Newcastle. no  biggie. My packing involves opening the car boot and throwing things, anything that gets in gets to go back up north, see?

The state of our house is a bit nerve wracking. We’ve received vague messages from the housemate who’s already there (the doors have been stolen, lightbulbs are missing/blown, pipes are or are not frozen) which are all slightly concerning but presented in an effortlessly calm manner. Beautiful.

Sorry guys, I just had to leave you there for about twenty minutes – come dine with me was on. I don’t actually think my brain has woken up as I’m starting to really enjoy my pink trackie-yellow t-shirt combo.

 

HELP

internationalstandard

I met this particular flatmate the first day I moved into halls. He’d knocked on my door, and I, still fresh from saying bye to my dad had burst into tired tears at the prospect of unpacking all my belongings. ‘Lets get drunk’. Those three words probably saved my life.

Flatmate room 2.

Despite English being his first language, this 21 year old from Singapore definitely doesn’t use it well. The first question on most peoples lips being ‘you speak English almost fluently! how did you learn it?’, his response, normally accompanied with a scathing look –  ‘same way as you’, (in case you don’t get it, re-read the first sentence)

First impressions are often skewed, most people make the assumption hes gay or meterosexual, however, we recently discovered neither is the case he is definitely into women. Literally. (our walls aren’t actually as thick as previously thought – and that’s from sitting in the living room). His hair and make up are always immaculate, and with a dress sense like his you’re guaranteed to continue the string of women. Except the day he wore a teddy bear t shirt. I don’t think he pulled that day.

Our flat is a self catered one, with a fully equipped kitchen, but this guy has taken the fed option of dining in the canteen every weekday. We quickly discovered this is due to his inability to actually cook and lack of desire to learn. To date, internationalstandard has currently eaten well over 35 packets of instant noodles at the weekends, with a further 50 in a box under his bed.

His female escapades have recently taken a turn for perhaps the better, a cheeky fling with a girl from across the field (how romantic) has turned more serious and he is set to be charming her further in Paris over Christmas. I asked if I could come along, and was politely turned down, along with the words ‘she’s not ready for a threesome’ – the things we do for a holiday.

He’s a nice guy, and has a strange sense of humour, we just laugh along and hope what was said was the punch line .

His course is a tough one, and he struggles to keep up with the demands – sure is lucky that a third year gave him the answers for all the work and they don’t check for plagiarism! All in all, i love the guy and am absolutely devastated he turned down the offer to live with us next year!

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the investment *anker

I still currently live with this flatmate – but I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me for writing this post almost a year ago. I’m not sure he ever will…

Year 1. Flatmate room 1.

The investment banker aspires to have his own chat show, much like that of his idol – Jeremy Kyle. He’s recently discovered the world of day time television and spends his free time scrolling through the channels picking out quality, yet potentially iq lowering, programmes.

His appearance is tidy but limited. He’s often seen walking about in dark jeans and an assortment of brightly logoed t-shirts, but for a night out the investment banker likes to up the anti, and whips out a casual shirt and cardigan, along with his heavily coveted loafers.
Nights out with the guy are definitely something to remember and he will always ensure everyone is plastered, even if the funds have to come from his own pocket. The investment bankers drinking ability far outstrips others with his bmi, probably due to the sheer quantity of food he manages to put away (literally four times that of the average person).

His character is slightly unusual, a dash of a properly thoughtful person sometimes shines through the outward behaviour of a dick. Only sometimes though! Investment bankers have to live up to their own names!

let’s not be too hard on the guy, he’s exceptionally clever. With a degree which is practically spoken in numbers, the investment banker is rarely seen getting a mark below 95%. Arrogance, is not far from the investment banker, who should be wary that his smug comments don’t go too far.

All in all, the investment banker is a genuinely nice guy, but should be careful his witty banter doesn’t go too far!

x

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